5.8.2018
I ended my last relationship out of necessity and I’m not sure how to feel.
I do not want to air out anyone else’s dirty laundry, so I will focus on myself.
I realize I have a slight codependency problem. And by “slight”, of course I mean that I clearly have a text book codependency problem and I need to get that sorted. I badly wanted to help my previous partner. More than anything, I wanted to help and I wanted that relationship to work. It didn’t, and it was pretty obvious to everyone it wasn’t working. Everyone but me. Well, that’s partially true. I wanted it to work, but I knew it wasn’t. I just kept ignoring that truth like a good little enabler and kept trying to be the best partner I could while suffering not so quietly.
It’s me. I analyze everything and reflect on every little action. I was hyper aware of my suffering. I vocalized it every time I thought it was appropriate or necessary. I assumed that if it was out in the open it would be taken seriously, but that was not the case. And yet, I did nothing about it. I stayed. I suffered. I devolved. I numbed myself.
I let someone have so much control over my emotions, while doing nothing to protect myself. I allowed myself to be obviously manipulated while being aware of the manipulation. This could only go on for so long. I began to shut down emotionally. When tense moments would happen, I turned into this strange monotone version of myself trying to be hyper rational and keep the peace in an explosive situation. Turns out this defense mechanism just pisses people off. When someone wants a reaction and all they get is a robotic emotionless partner in return it doesn’t go over well.
I didn’t just shut down emotionally, though. I hardened a little bit. I was exposed to so many things that I thought were out of my control and ridiculous, I just threw up defense mechanisms left and right. Instead of ending a relationship when all the red flags first presented themselves, I continued. I thought if I were to help and push on, things would get better. They didn’t. In trying to give everything of me to someone else, I started to become a lesser person and eventually resentful. I would give up things that I know are incredibly important to me just to maintain some peace and happiness. As someone who prides themselves on being honest and talking to my friends about my problems, I stopped, and that was really hard. I adjusted my behaviour and my personality in a way that I knew was wrong. I stopped doing things I loved. Hell, I even stopped writing this blog because I didn’t want to talk about anything that could be judged by the one person I cared about judging me. That's on me.
This past year was explosive, chaotic, unpredictable, and unfortunate. But I was in love. Truly in love. I don’t just mean in the moments where the peace was kept, I mean all the time. My life revolved around this person and I desperately wanted it to work because I was genuinely in love. The potential I felt was so strong that I could see a future with them. I wanted this partner and I wanted a future with them. Of course I also saw another future of it not working and us continuing to be more and more miserable, slowly devolving into cynical people who hate each other, but I pushed that out of my head because if I just tried harder and harder it would work. (Healthy, right?)
I know ending it was the obvious and best choice, but it was really hard. When things were good, they were really really good. I had some amazing moments and days and shared so much love with the most charismatic person I’ve ever known.
I miss those moments.
I miss the good times.
I miss ‘em like hell.
Ending the relationship was clearly the best thing for me. That’s a true, rational and obvious statement.
So why the hell is it so hard to feel that?
I know, it’s just time. I need time.
Time. Time. Fucking time.
That's dramatic. I am getting better. Time heals, just not as fast as I'd like.
In the aftermath of the relationship ending and upon reflection, I am trying to find the good in all of it. I do know that I learned a lot. I may have shut down and temporarily let parts of my self suffer, but I learned a shit load. For that, I am eternally thankful.
I now know that I can exhibit codependent behaviours. Now that I’m aware of this, I can take steps to avoid indulging in those in the future. I know that I need a partner who can grow alongside me. I like helping and supporting people, but I learned that can get out of control pretty quickly. I need someone who is both self sufficient and as focused and driven as I am. These are incredibly valuable tools for me to have learned. Obvious, sure, but I needed to learn them.
This moment in my life is very confusing. There's a lot of animosity towards me by someone I cared most about for a year. That's rough, sort of understandable, but nevertheless it's hard when it gets twisted. I am still numb and trying to restart myself, if you will. I currently have very cynical thoughts and am pretty shook up, but I know that I can best this. I am aware of all the flaws that I need to overcome. I know that ending things was the best thing to do. I know there was a lot of love in that relationship. I miss having that person in my life more than anything. I miss the good times like hell.
But I’ll be fine.
In time, I’ll be fine.
I'm sad this part of my life is now over, but I'm ready for what's next. Whatever that may be.
Matthew Blanks